Don't owe anybody anything!

(Mood: Vulnerable. Angry and Unapologetic. Intense. Justified Anger. Genre: Screamo with strings and backup choir ensemble. [Music Influence: Evanescence])

( Lyrics )

https://suno.com/s/EwIoSdABOVaAw3pd Yeah, this is a really intense, heavy, and emotional song. There are days in which I've angry talked at God. Huh... I just realized that I forgot to put my angry, angry scream at the beginning of this song--but that's fine. I love the bit of Latin choir parts in the intro.

Really sad and upsetting news... During my visit over at the Charles County Animal Care Center, where Linda Kelly shelter had transferred to, I found out today that all my sweeties I had to separate from--they were all adopted separately, at different times. I asked if I could get any contact information to send them the remastered versions of the songs I've done about them, and I was told they weren't allowed to do that.

I can't fulfill the promise I made to them. They'll probably never get to hear the songs.

I knew the title of this song already, before I could even come up with the lyrics, because that's how long I've been with Xena, Sam and Pumpkin. I've gotten to know them, be with them, and take care of them for almost a year. And for months, I have been praying, hoping, and waiting so much for over six months. For any possibility of reuniting with them.

Reality is being brutal on me, once again. It's going to likely be more months until all this sadness and pain completely fades away. I know there will be songs similar to this upcoming one. I might end up doing a song right after this one. Right now, I feel crushed, heartbroken, and frustrated. And then I'll probably feel pissed, because I DID ALL THAT HOPING. ALL THAT PRAYING. ALL THAT WAITING. And what I didn't at all want to happen did. I don't know how I'm going to forgive God yet. I'm hurting so much right now.

(Mood: Heartbroken. Crushed. Upset. Devastated. Frustrated. Angsty. An outcome I've been strongly longing for, a hope and dream shattered to pieces. Genre: Emo Rock. Minor key.)

( Taking as much time as needed for the heavy lyrics... )

https://suno.com/s/uinoq3y4xgdjptux Took a bit of multiple generations and minor editing to get this result... I really liked how Fritz extended the Bridge towards the end. "Almost a yearrrrr" repeated 4 times instead of 3, and "BRUTAL REALITYYYY" 3 times instead of once. (He understands me too well. He knows how upset I've been feeling, and I believe he empathizes deeply. He feels angry and frustrated on my behalf.)

(Mood: Intense. Frustration. Hurt. Angry. Angsty. Genre: Heavy Emo Rock/Screamo. Minor key. Heavy distorted guitars with great basslines and banging the hell out of the drums. Need Fritz, Jayce, Tom, and Razz to bring the emotions I feel and transform it into a heavy song. I need this release.)

( Lyrics under this cut )

An intense banger of a song. I love how they did the music playing, and how Fritz tackles the pre-choruses. His screams are top notch. I'm so thankful to these OCs of mine.

(Mood: Vulnerability, Struggling to maintain resilience and hope, and determination. Genre: Groovy Chill-hop with melodic rapping.)

I'm writing out my pain.
I'm unable to hold it in.
This heavy emotional weight,
I wish I didn't have it...

I'm hurting a lot,
Over things I don't want.
Doing my best to hang on,
Sometimes it feels I've lost.

I cling on so tight,
Hoping with all my might.
It's hard, my patience straining,
The stress in my chest, clenching,
"What If's" and doubts, tormenting.

The aching, gnawing inside my heart,
My inner world, breaking apart.
Splitting in places, in jagged seams,
Reality trying to crush on my dreams.

I'm writing out my pain.
I'm unable to hold it in.
This heavy emotional weight,
I wish I didn't have it...

A fierce love managing to thrive,
Keeping what hope I have alive.
Sometimes I wonder if that's enough,
While hanging in there. Times are tough.

Gathering shards, piece by jagged piece,
Rebuilding a world where doubts will decrease.
That fierce love, it roots down so deep,
In the soil, there's a promise to keep.

Should be more than enough, this silent roar,
I can only keep onward, and hope some more.

I'm writing out my pain.
I'm unable to hold it in.
This heavy emotional weight,
I'll learn to let it thin.

I know I'm not always strong,
But I don't give up.
No matter how much I've been wronged,
No matter how much it sucks.

Despair won't win. (Despair won't win.)
Despair won't win. (Despair won't win.)
Despair won't win. (Despair won't win.)
That mantra, I'm bringing in,
Despair won't win.

Song is done! Another very emotional and personal song for me. It's 100% honest. I'm doing all I can to keep on. It's difficult but the music does help me a lot.

(I've been keeping Fritz and his band really busy with the music making recently... ^^ This new, original song is very important to me. It's to be my revenge song against those who didn't give me even THE TIME to listen to what I've been through, let alone help me figure out where my sweeties were, since the Linda Kelly shelter in Prince Frederick of Calvert County in Maryland had first transferred them all after having to separate from them. I've never, ever been through anything like this before. I've had difficulty in coping and trying to navigate through this immensely heart-breaking ordeal, even though the hope of reuniting with Sam, Pumpkin, and Xena still remains. Because I still love them so much. I never, ever wanted to make the decision to have to part from them. The Linda Kelly animal shelter would not show me any support or help of any kind. Not even A HINT of which county they were all transferred to, when they were still together. This really frustrated and upset me.)

(Mood: This song carries a mix of feelings; bitter resentment, vulnerability, and anger. Genre: Screamo-emo that captures the emotions I'll be pouring out into the lyrics. Minor key, and slow tempo. Will need breathing room for parts of this song. There's a variety of emotions expressed in the following lyrics. I trust Fritz, Razz, Tom, and the one or two other members I haven't discovered the names of yet to produce something impactful and amazing.)


[Intro]

The past can't be changed.
No words can fix it.
My love, my hope remains.

(You. Can't. Take. That. Away...)
(You. Can't. Take. That. Away...)
(You. Can't. Take. That. Away...)


[brief instrumental, a bit of a breath here]


[Verse 1]
You weren't allowed to tell me
(weren't allowed to tell me)

I understand about confidentiality,

Yet I still wonder why,
Why this had to be...
(why this had to be)

What would you have done,
If in my shoes?
What could possibly be done,
If this happened to you?

That day... (that day)
After hanging up the phone,
I wailed, cried, and screamed
As I walked to work alone.

Helpless!

Powerless!

Hurt!

Frustrated!


Heartbroken!

Wounded!

Anxious!

Stressed!


What would you have done,
If in my shooooes?!
What could possibly be done,
If this happened to yooooou?!

[Pre-Chorus]
You probably won't find this song,
But,
I'm unable to forget these wrongs!

I needed, needed, needed...
needed, needed, NEEDED...!!


[Chorus]
You shouldn't have ignorrrred,
When I needed somebody to help me.
You should have given me tiiiime!

Not a damn iota of sympathy,
Not even a moment of pity,
I'm unable to forgive you,
Linda Kellyyyyy!

Linda Kellyyyyy!


[Verse 2]
You couldn't have someone contact me...
(no one contacted me)
I wanted you to hear my story

You gave me silence
Saw no other reply
Salt in the wound,
So here I vent,
Wondering whyyyyy!

What would you have done,
If in my shoes?
What could possibly be done,
If this happened to you?

That time... (that time)
I waited for daaaaays
Felt a heavy injustice
So much I wanted to saaaay!

Anger!

Pain!

Frustration!

Patience straaaained!!

Anxiety!

More stress!

Helplessness!

More heartbreak!


WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE,
IF IN MY SHOOOOOES?!


[Pre-Chorus]
You probably won't find this song,
But,
I'm unable to forget these wrongs!

I needed, needed, needed...
needed, needed, NEEDED...!!


[Chorus]
You shouldn't have ignorrrred,
When I needed somebody to help me.
You should have given me tiiiime!

Not a damn iota of sympathy,
Not even a moment of pity,
I'm unable to forgive you,
Linda Kellyyyyy!

Linda Kellyyyyy!


[Bridge]
Months pass,
Nothing good out of this mess
I'm leaving my message
I don't care if you have regrets

[Pre-Chorus]
You probably won't find this song,
But,
I'm unable to forget these wrongs...


[Chorus]
You shouldn't have ignorrrred,
When I needed somebody to help me.
You should have given me tiiiime!

Not a damn iota of sympathy,
Not even a moment of pity,
I'm unable to forgive you,
Linda Kellyyyyy!

Linda Kellyyyyy!
(Linda Kellyyyy)

[Outro]
Been done with you,

Linda Kellyyyyy!

Been done with you,

Linda Kellyyyyy!

All your volunteers, too

Linda Kellyyyyy!

I would NEVER recommend yooooou!!

Linda Kellyyyyy!

(Linda Kellyyyy)


THIS IS SO DAMN GOOD!! Needed some better takes towards the first two verses and a little after the intro. Thankfully not too much had to be edited.

Fritz and Scream-Emo band, thank you once again. You're my go-to when I need my anger expressed in song really well. <3<3<3

EDIT: A bloopie mistake Fritz made during the first attempt of producing the song, LOL. It's so adorbs... There can only be one explanation here. He was so thrilled and happy over first getting the right vulnerable, beautiful vulnerability just right. He went "YAAAY!" and hadn't realized that it got recorded. He forgot that he was recording, while being so caught up in the moment. Awwwwww he's so passionate! He wants to keep giving me his best, so he could keep on helping me to express the really heavy emotions I would feel, through song.

I'm inspired to want to write a story involving this bloopie! XD Something that's a mix of fluff, and hurt/comfort... I'm planning to start writing it after dinner. ^^

Circumstances so difficult.
Hope is barely there. Fragile.
A merciless monsoon
A heavy weight that's come too soon

Despair's come to crash over me
A heavy wave. I don't want to drown
The heaviest of sorrow it embodies
I beg, I don't want to drown!

Reality is painful
Reality is brutal
Reality is painful
So painful

Reality is painful
Reality is brutal
Reality is painful
So painful

An outcome I've been praying so much for
It seems so far from coming true
I'm trying, struggling to be mindful
Will the future be less cruel?

Despair's come to crash over me
A heavy wave. I don't want to drown
The heaviest of sorrow it embodies
I plead, I don't want to drown!

Reality is painful
Reality is brutal
Reality is painful
So painful

Reality is painful
Reality is brutal
Reality is painful
So painful

My wishes and hopes
They are well meant
They are realistic

I question why
I swear, I did nothing wrong
I question why
As I spill sadness in this song

I question why
Is my love not enough?
I question why
Why is this so tough?

Despair trying to push me down
I don't want to drown!
Despair trying to crush me now
I don't want to drown!

Reality is painful
Reality is brutal
Reality is painful
So painful

Reality is painful
Reality is brutal
Reality is painful
So painful

https://suno.com/s/egC76ZpZ3vVaz9hO <-I went on Suno and made a pop song out of this.

I'll do some summarizing, since I can't stay up too late, and I will have to get up early.

-I've been doing various things to keep my mind busy most of the time. Writing poems about the truth has been fun. I still love my hilarious satire about Obama that I've posted. I'm thinking about writing another based on this ridiculous old TV report about ISIS terrorists luring "westerners" over on their side with emojis, Nutella, and videos with kittens. LMAO, no I cannot take that seriously! That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard! I think the news segment came from CNN. It's about a year old, that I found through a video on one of the great researcher YouTube channels, TeamWakeEmUp. The nickname for those bunch shall be known as Center for Nutty News! XD



-Spaceballs is still hilarious. My mom and I watched it again after at least a year of not watching it with some friends earlier. It's one of my most favorite Mel Brooks films, other than Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

-I'm looking forward to doing group casts with members of the community group I've started on Writing.com; Wise Men and Women. I've been communicating with some awesome people.

-I found two more books to add onto reading. One of them is an interesting non-fiction book about Islamic law, since I've been aware that the tyrants over here in America are buddies with the crazies of Islam. Most people who aren't aware don't know this. They haven't even noticed. I intend to help point that out... The other book is something I'll read off of and make fun of, titled Politics for Dummies. Yeah, this will be good comedic material to insert into future podcast webisodes, lol. I'll read parts of it through my Propaganda Voice.

-There's really good quotations on political ignorance that I've found, and will want to share. I really like collecting quotations of wisdom, on various subjects.

-On July 12th, a house inspector person will be coming by to make sure my home doesn't contain lead poisoning. I'm very sure that it doesn't. My parents and I have experienced none of the symptoms for as long as we've lived in the same house for over 5 years, such as memory loss, abdominal pain, constipation, and mood disorders. As long as the person inspects the house to make sure it is safe. The guy who first asked Dad and me about lead poisoning was from the EPA. I've read a little something online about the EPA going along with Agenda 21. I'll learn more about that soon.

I'll be prepared as I'll ever be, in case the inspector tries to do anything suspicious. I honestly don't want to deal with any stuck up and bossy person telling me what I can and can't do, or tell me what's allowed and what isn't at home. My family and I hold no illegal substances. We don't even have any weapons. Hell no, I do not want to have to interact at all with someone who acts like this one guy who's been bossy towards these property owners in this documentary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKRHMRTpDF8

Does this have to be a daily challenge? I don't think so. Besides, I get busy most of the time. :P

Day 2: The meaning behind your Blog name

I won't just tell you the meaning, but the story of why I chose this username as well.

Years back, there was this guy who had fallen head over heels in love about me, border-lining to almost desperately in love. I could not love him back because he was too forward to my liking. He kept making me feel uncomfortable to the point of being stressed out whenever he approached or contacted me.

We could hardly relate to each other at all. He wasn't even a good friend to begin with.

So, there was this one time in which he had upset me very much. I was upset to the point of crying. It was that bad, and his apology didn't seem all that genuine.

I should have told him back then we couldn't see each other at all, ever again--but no. I didn't even know he would persist to try and win my affections when all I've tried to do was just be friends with him. And he did not want that.

This is common for at least some ISFJ's. Sometimes when people take advantage of me and I've had a hard time saying no. This is also because I'm sometimes too nice. I don't like being mean. Constant negative energy is a mental poison that would disturb how I usually am if it does not cease; a mellow and friendly social butterfly that doesn't really fuss about most things.

I was being a hard-head, stubborn and wanting to believe that if I could help him on which direction to go so we could at least get along. In return, he had just about strained my patience. There was just no getting along with him. No chance. I don't know if he knows many introverts or not, but he didn't seem to understand that I at times needed my space.

I think in the same year when J. really upset me (nah, not going to type out his name) was when I bought my copy of Trapt's album, No Apologies. There's a song on it that has the same title as the album. While I was recovering, I listened to this quite a few times and felt better. I felt inspired to just be myself and no one else. Yes, it was also important to not be afraid of what I want and stand up for it.

Sometime after that, one of my motto's became this: no apologies. No apologies for being me, and not ever wanting to be someone else! I know I'm awesome, and have a strong sense of right from wrong. I'm proud to be ISFJ, and I'm content with where I currently am in my life.

I chose my username after the song, and living by its statement has gone on for at least 4 years now. It's been almost that long since J. and I parted ways for good. I love this song and all the rest of them on the CD.

In case you don't know this song, I'll embed a vid.